The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
