and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
