1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
