I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
