Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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