Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
