you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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