My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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