He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
