Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
