I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
