I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
