I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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