Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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