I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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