My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
