Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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