i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
