well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
