How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
