He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
