So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
