I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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