so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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