just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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