Already got asked if we're dating
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
