I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize