Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
