She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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