You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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