theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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