The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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