I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Of course I have a pirate flag
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
