That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
