Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Everclear isn't food dammit
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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