i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
