I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you made out with another girl for some wings
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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