so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
