Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
