Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
