why didn't you poke me back
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
