Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
