do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
