Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
