There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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