i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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