I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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