Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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