Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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