If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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