How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
