Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
