I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
