I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
