I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize