I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
