he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
