woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
