i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
