Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
