meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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