forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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