I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
