this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
