You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
