Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
