Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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