hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
