So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
